“Poop on Pops” by Ivan Silverberg
Are you a parent going through the Terrible Twos? Did you live through them and survive? Terrible Twosdays is a place to commiserate over the unending shenanigans of your Darling Children (as the online parenting communities say). Nonfiction stories will be considered, so long as names have been changed to protect the guilty. Inspired by our best-selling gift book for parents, Go the Fuck to Sleep, Terrible Twosdays joins the roster of our other online short fiction series. Unlike Mondays Are Murder and Thursdaze, we’re looking for stories with a light and mischievous feel, all about the day-to-day challenges of parenting. As with our other flash fiction series, stories must not exceed 750 words.
This week, Ivan Silverberg gets more than he bargained for.
Here he comes through the door.
“Boy! I can’t wait for what’s in store.”
I nestle his neck. I snuggle his chops.
I’m so excited I poop on Pops.
That’s right, Pops. I’m lettin’ loose.
I blast a dookie and go number two,
Download a brownload and drop a deuce.
And with the dirty squirties, I confess—
This time I’ve made a bit of a mess.
Pops is my favorite pops in the room
Because we play Poop on Pops all afternoon.
He wipes me clean. He powders me down.
Just in time for another poopy round.
Pops runs the bath and scrubs me clean.
Pops holds my ankles. Pops spreads some cream.
Pops puts me in my crib and takes out his phone.
What’s this? It’s no fun to play alone.
“C’mon Pops. This party just started;
If you check my diaper, you’ll see I just sharted.”
I pinch a yam. I park the custard,
I spurt, squirt, and squeeze the funky mustard.
I slop some gruel and burn a mule.
Pops throws a fit and starts a-packin’.
“Where you going, Pops? Here comes the kraken.”
Pops pulls his tie. Pops loosens his cuffs.
Pops turns on the game, then huffs and puffs.
“Hey, Pops. Let’s see your defensive stance.
Cuz I’m about to score a touchdown in my pants.”
Pops sighs, and then Pops cries.
Pops talks to the sky, then covers his eyes.
Pops rolls me on Grandma’s purple throw.
Then he turns on that silly turtle show.
“Cool story, bro. But guess what?
A turtle just swam out of my butt.”
I wish I could poop on Pops all day
Because the more I poop, the more we play.
“Hey, Pops. If you feel the same,
Maybe now we can play the feeding game.”
IVAN SILVERBERG is an English and broadcast journalism teacher at Niles North High School in Skokie, Illinois. This year, he and his wife Nina had their first child, Elston, who now seems to be the one delivering instruction. In his free time, Ivan enjoys tinkering with cameras, making videos, playing basketball, and exercising.
Do you have a story you’d like us to consider for online publication in the Terrible Twosdays flash fiction series? Here are the submission terms and guidelines:
—We are not offering payment, and are asking for first digital rights. The rights to the story revert to the author immediately upon publication.
—Your story should focus on the challenges of parenting. Ideally, stories should be about children aged 0 to 5, but any age (up to early teens) is acceptable. Stories may be fiction or nonfiction.
—Include the child’s age at the time of the story next to your byline.
—Your story should not exceed 750 words.
—E-mail your submission [email protected] paste the story into the body of the email, and also attach it as a PDF file.
Posted: Mar 10, 2015
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