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News & Features » August 2020 » “Does the President Poop?” by Kristin Markovich and Laura Moore

“Does the President Poop?” by Kristin Markovich and Laura Moore

Are you a parent going through the Terrible Twos? Did you live through them and survive? Terrible Twosdays is a place to commiserate over the unending shenanigans of your Darling Children (as the online parenting communities say). Nonfiction stories will be considered, so long as names have been changed to protect the guilty. Inspired by our best-selling gift book for parents, Go the Fuck to Sleep, Terrible Twosdays joins the roster of our other online short fiction series. Unlike Mondays Are Murder and Thursdaze, we’re looking for stories with a light and mischievous feel, all about the day-to-day challenges of parenting. As with our other flash fiction series, stories must not exceed 750 words.

This week, a poem about a toddler’s favorite number: number two.

Does the President Poop?
A Story About the Politics of Potty Training
by Kristin Markovich and Laura Moore
Two-year-old and three-year-old

“Kids, it’s been awhile. Should we try to poop in the potty?!”

“NO!!!!!!”

Do ballet dancers poop?

Yes, audience, we do.

During playful pirouettes at the regal New York Met

We sometimes slip a toot (and often blame it on the flute)

But we prima ballerinas know when intermission comes,

We have to take a potty break before returning to the fun!

Do Firemen poop?

Yes, wee-ooo, wee-ooo, we do!

When we’re at the fire station, playing fetch with our Dalmatian

And our bellies shout, ‘inside!’ we really must abide.

So we climb onto the potty, and ‘tho we like to rush,

We never forget to wipe or to activate the flush!

Do astronauts poop?

Yes, Houston, we do!

But without gravity, there’s simply no guarantee

That we can tackle the mighty feat of sitting squarely on the seat.

We hover and we flutter so we REALLY have to practice

If we want to truly master our space-sitting gymnastics!

Do garbage truck drivers poop?

Yes, honk-honk, we do!

We pick up all the cans (and wave at all our fans),

Then dump the heavy load, and head straight for the commode!

After we go poo and pee, we always make a stop

At the sink to wash our hands — bottom, sides and top!

Do scientists poop?

Yes, in fact, of course.

When we move between the beakers in our special squeaky sneakers,

And we feel the urge to poo, we know exactly what to do.

We find a spot to sit and read where we can concentrate;

We know enough to understand our bodies shouldn’t wait!

 Does the PRESIDENT poop?

Fellow Americans, yes, I poop.

On the ground and in the air, I have an oval potty chair,

A chair with a special seat where I can poop, and pee, and tweet!

And no matter what the news reports—or I might actually say—

I sit upon the oval potty each and every day!

 

No matter who you are or what it is you do, EVERYBODY pees and EVERYBODY poos.

So practice in your bathroom nook. Relax your bum and read a book.

Make sure you’re clean before you leave the loo,

And EVERYONE will cheer for awesome, big kid YOU!

***

KRISTIN ARDEN MARKOVICH has her MBA and spent twenty years in corporate America. Writing has always been a big part of her career. Kristin is currently focused on writing picture books and raising her two young kids. She lives in Westchester with her family and their Australian shepherd.

LAURA MOORE writes picture books, short stories, YA literature and poetry. She is in her fifteenth year teaching at a public high school in Columbus, Ohio. She has attended the Creativity Workshop in Florence, Italy, sponsored by Iowa Writers’ Workshop professors, and her work has been published online in York College’s STORY magazine and in YA Outside the Lines.

***

Do you have a story you’d like us to consider for online publication in the Terrible Twosdays flash fiction series? Here are the submission terms and guidelines:

—We are not offering payment, and are asking for first digital rights. The rights to the story revert to the author immediately upon publication.
—Your story should focus on the challenges of parenting. Ideally, stories should be about children aged 0 to 5, but any age (up to early teens) is acceptable. Stories may be fiction or nonfiction.
—Include the child’s age at the time of the story next to your byline.
—Your story should not exceed 750 words.
—E-mail your submission to info@akashicbooks.com. Please paste the story into the body of the email, and also attach it as a PDF file.

Posted: Aug 18, 2020

Category: Original Fiction, Terrible Twosdays | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,



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